It felt as if we drove forever. I had to pee, mama asked me, "Can you hold it? Go back to sleep," I guess she thought that would work.

"I can't mama, I gotta go," I started rocking side to side to emphasize my urgency.

"Well you gone have to wait, not pullin' over on the highway, it ain't safe,"

"But I gotta go,"

This is the first time she lost her patience with me, "I heard you the first time, and you gonna have to hold it! Now that's that!" She snapped, getting riled with me. 

I went quiet. I didn't want to be out on a highway. At night, without my daddy. Without Ell - my favorite brother. The second one. I audibly sighed so she could hear it, then I mumbled low, "I wanna go home," she heard me. She ignored me, a few moments later I braved it again, "I wanna go - home!"

She glanced at me in the rear-view mirror, "Say it again, say it one more time," She dared me. That was that. My daddy wasn't around, no way I was gonna say it one more time. I'd pushed it as far as I could. I can't say how many more miles we went when a gas station came into view. Mama was nervous. She was a lone black woman, and an attractive one at that. Out on the highway alone, with her four year old daughter. She needed gas. I needed to pee. I don't remember the gas station, but I remember mama sitting by the pump, not moving. 

She looked like she was scared. Her eyes were on the station, waiting for someone to come out. When they did, it was a white man. He walked up to our car, looked in. 

Meek, soft and careful, mama said, "Fill up, please sir," It sounded like she was holding her breath. I was holding mine. White people didn't like us. 

He stood there a moment, looked back at me, and then at her. Soon, I heard the sound of him doing what they did to pump gas into the car. Mama was scared, it sounded like she was praying. 

I heard that thump, it was so loud. It was finished. He came to her window, and I don't remember the amount, but she handed him money, then gulped and softly said again, "She gotta go, please sir, there a bathroom we can use."

"It's broke. Use a bucket out back," He turned and walked away. 

Mama sat a moment more, still scared. She looked back at me. "Come on, don't waste no time, you move, you hear me?"

I nodded my yes and moved to the door, quiet as a mouse. She grabbed my hand and we rushed, almost running toward the back of the station. It smelled bad. I was on the verge of peeing on myself. Mama bent low, quickly snatched my panties down and lifted me on one of the buckets, holding me on the rim of it. I went to grab the rim to hold on when mama snapped, "Grab my dress, don't touch that," I grabbed her clothes and releaved myself. 

I could see mama listening, looking toward the side of the building. It was dark except for the light pole on the frontside. She was scared and I thought I would never stop peeing. When I was done, she used the tissue paper she carred to wipe me, correct my clothes. 

She ran back to the car, my hand held tight in hers. She almost tossed me in the front seat, and with a low growl, "Get in the back," I did... I didn't waste no time, because when mama said move, you moved fast. She pulled out of that station and didn't seem to breathe for a while. She kept looking in her rear mirror, as if waiting for something. After a while, she seemed to exhale as if she had been holding her breath for an eternity. 

Finally she said to me, real soft, gentle, "Lay back down, go to sleep,"

Her voice sounded soft, I took a chance, "Where we going mama?"

"Chicago, we going to Chicago,"

"Why we going to Chicago, mama?"

"I gotta job there, gonna work there,"

"How come daddy ain't comin'?"

"He gonna live in Greenville, we gonna live in Chicago."

"Why, mama?"

She went quiet. She was her way of saying, be quiet, I ain't saying no more. When moments went by and she didn't answer, I knew she was done talking about it. I dosed off to sleep. 

Next time I woke, we were in Memphis, Tn. Aunt Lorrene was telling my mama, "Put ha' in the bed with Linda, you come climb in the bed wit'me." She instructed. Aunt Lorrene was a short, round shaped woman, heavy. Freckle moles all over her face and body. She spoke bold, direct, no nonsense. She was in charge, of that, there was no doubt. 

I never really liked Aunt Lorrene, she was my grandmother's sister. On my mother's side. Mama liked Aunt Lorrene, because we would spend a lot of time, over the years hiding out with her. 

I was wide awake, lying next to my mama's cousin, Linda. She was very nice. I liked her alot, she was about eight-teen or nineteen at the time. She whispered to me, "Shhh, it's gone be all right, go to sleep." So I did... 

To be continued...

Entry 3 - Grand Prix Lounge - Chicago